Ten signs you might be married to a reader.

This list is dedicated to my long suffering husband and can be used as a guide to help other people married to serious readers.

10 signs you’re married to a reader

1-  Your spouse often exhibits the symptoms of a Book Coma:  inability to focus on anything except the printed page in front of her face, lack of response to human voices while reading, or no reaction to loud external stimuli (i.e. shouting in her ear accomplishes nothing.  Nor does three children attempting to surf down the stairs on a crib mattress.)

2- Your spouse talks about book characters as if they were real people and living next door.

3-  When you try to convince your spouse otherwise by saying, “It’s only a book” she becomes irate and, perhaps, physically abusive.  If you insist on uttering such ridiculous statements it would be wise to arm yourself with couch pillows.

4-  Dinner is often delayed or forgotten entirely after an afternoon trip to the library.

5-  The most common phrase you’ve heard in your marriage is, “Right after I finish this chapter!” and you’ve learned to recognize that as the lie it is.

6-  You recognize that after watching a movie based on a book your wife as read, she will rant for half an hour about how it didn’t follow the book at all.  Don’t deny her this grieving process.  Simply propel her gently to the car, so as to avoid a scene in the theater lobby.

7-  When you’re traveling in a different city and you hear your wife exclaim, “Oh!  That’s so beautiful!” you know that she’s not commenting on the landscape or tourist attractions, but rather a bookstore or a library.  In addition, you’ve learned to allow time to peruse these quaint bookstores or libraries when you planned your vacation.

8-  While some women collect shoes, yours collects books.  The downside is that books are harder to store than shoes.  The positive side is that they are usually cheaper.

9-  You’ve learned that reading some of your wife’s favorite books and then discussing them with her is the best foreplay ever and leads to <cough, cough> good lovin’.

10-  The most romantic and loving thing you ever did for your wife was when you drove in a car with no air conditioning during a massive heat wave, made your way through a crowded Walmart at midnight, and purchased the last volume in the Harry Potter series.  You then graciously let her read it first.

She hasn’t forgotten that, nor will she.  Ever.

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