Because I am a mother…
1- I shower with a thousand naked Barbies in my bathtub.
2- My house is booby-trapped with scattered Legos as far as the eye can see.
3- I am on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
4- I am expected to know the exact whereabouts of every piece of clothing we own. And every toy. And every book. Pretty much I am supposed to be a walking inventory of all household items we own now or have owned in the past.
5- I am the ultimate cheerleader (sans mini-skirt much to my husband’s dismay.) I encourage, I motivate, and I appropriately push.
6- I am a psychologist because when things (and by things, I mean my offspring) fall apart, I need to know why and how to fix it.
7- I am Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. Although in the interest of full disclosure I need to confess that I am a horrible Tooth Fairy. At least 40% of the time I forget to collect the tooth and deposit the money on the first night. My children have grown up believing that the Tooth Fairy is an overbooked and somewhat forgetful sprite that will eventually get the job done. Someday.
8- I am the ultimate cruise ship director –eat your heart out Captain Stubbing. I plan the activities, the sleep overs, the play dates, the field trips, and pretty much everything else. (And now I feel a huge desire to sit down and watch The Love Boat. How I miss that show.)
9- I am a walking dictionary because at least twice a day some child asks me “What does _______ mean?”
10- I am addicted to Goldfish crackers and in need of a twelve step program.
11- I am an educator. I must point out here that you don’t have to be a homeschooling mama to claim this title. All good mothers (and fathers) are educators. We teach manners, values, hygiene, and approximately eight thousand other things.
12- I am the arbiter of truth and the dispenser of justice inside my realm of influence (which actually sounds cool in a superhero kind of way, but in reality the job often sucks.)
13- I miraculously heal ailments real and imaginary with kisses. (I’ve got some seriously powerful lips.)
14- I occasionally forget my own name and identity because I become completely wrapped up in being someone’s mom. Which is a good sign that I’m in desperate need of a girl’s night out.
15- I spend approximately half my waking hours behind the wheel of a mini van picking things and/or people up and dropping things and/or people off.
16- Half of the time I am convinced I am doing a wretchedly horrible job and the other half I am convinced that I rock the casbah. No happy medium for me.
17- I always have something I should be doing (even if I choose not to do it. Which happens often. And that’s what we call self-preservation.)
18- I spend every minute of every day cognizant that my heart is running around inside three reckless children who seemly have no sense of mortality. In fact I believe they crave danger. So I confess to being slightly paranoid and over-protective. (Okay, maybe very paranoid and really over protective.)
19- I have forgotten what it’s like to go to the bathroom without some small person interrupting me. Repeatedly.
20- I can send the message “Listen little person, knock off that incredibly annoying and naughty thing you are doing in the next three seconds or dire consequences shall result!” by simply giving my offspring the look. It often works on other people’s offspring as well.
21- I’ve learned to trust my instincts. Usually.
22- I acknowledge at least once a day how incredibly blessed I am to be or do all the things mentioned above. (Except for the whole Goldfish addiction. That seriously needs to stop.)