I find it ironic that just a week or two after spending many dollars to get an ultrasound of the stone my kidney has sheltered for over six months, it decides to painfully vacate the premises. My middle name really SHOULD be irony.
There are not any words to accurately describe the agony a kidney stone causes. (Or, at least not any words one can use on a blog my mother occasionally reads.) I’ve felt some different types of pain in my life (childbirth, spinal headaches, and watching Barney the purple dinosaur sing “I Love You, You Love Me” daily for three years consecutively to name a few.) But trust me when I tell you that the pain a kidney stone causes puts all of those to shame.
For me, kidney stones start off with an intense desire to go to the bathroom. Often. Then the stabbing pain hits right in your lower back. No matter how you lay or stand or stretch, you can’t dislodge that pain or lessen it. It’s a lot like having a miniature Gandolf the Grey hanging out in your excretory system, slamming his staff into you while shouting, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” (You will now never watch Lord of the Rings the same way again. You’re welcome.)
Panic hits because you have no idea how long ol’ Gandolf is going to hang around denying access out of your kidneys. You might pass the stone quickly on your own at home. (Been there and done that last night.) Or you might suffer an entire day or two, and need to go to the hospital. (Been there and done that too.) Kidney stones don’t provide you with an itinerary of their visit. They are horribly rude house guests.
Then, if you are not heavily medicated at this point (and if you’re not my heart bleeds for you my friend) as the stone passes, you feel a stabby pain in your girly bits, you run to the bathroom (if you’re not already there) and you pee the pee of the vindicated and triumphant.
As that stone leaves, all pain miraculously stops like union workers at closing time. You sit trembling a bit on the toilet while your muscles spasm in relief. The memory of your pain lingers as you stagger from the bathroom and hobble to your bed.
If you are me, at this point you try to say, “Thank you God!” as many times as you said, “Oh please God!” when you were hurting and crying on the floor. Also, if you are me, this is when the pain medication kicks in, after you no longer need it. Additionally, if you are me, this is when your body has declared it has had enough and you vomit. Profusely.
Hopefully, most of you are not me.
Kidney stones are just plain evil. I would take on an orc from Middle Earth any day over one of those puppies. Especially if I had a hottie like Legolas or Aragorn at my side. Or even Boromir, I’m not too picky about my masculine, hunky heroes.
Now if you will excuse me, I need to lie on the couch and watch The Lord of the Rings while I recover from my ordeal. Good luck and good-speed to all kidney stones out there.