Why I will never be a rapper.

I love grocery shopping.  (You are wondering why I’m talking about grocery stores when the title of this post references rap music.  Be patient, it will come.)

Now when I say I love grocery shopping, I mean I loooooove grocery shopping.  With my whole heart, mind, might, and soul.  In fact, if I had to choose between attending the royal wedding a couple of months ago with a seat on the front row or going grocery shopping with extra money budgeted and an entire flyer of great sales I would definitely choose…. well, the royal wedding.  I’m not entirely stupid.  But there would be a serious pause while I weighed the pros and cons of royalty versus grocery shopping.  And I would insist on having a really cool hat.

Grocery shopping makes me tingly inside.  It’s the best high I know (well, except for morphine.  But morphine requires that one is really sick and in pain, so the high is not even worth it.)  My favorite day of the week is Thursday, because that is when the new grocery ads come out.  I love figuring out how I can buy more food with less money as I peruse the advertisements and plot my strategy.

I need to admit right here that I am not a huge coupon clipper.  I don’t go out of my way to find them, but occasionally a few find their way inside my purse.  I guess you could say I’m lukewarm about the whole coupon thing.  That show, Extreme Couponing?  Kind of freaks me out.  Those poor people are taking something good and pure like grocery shopping and twisting it into something scary and dark.  And stockpiley.  <shiver>

That being said, today I accomplished something I had only ever dreamed about.  I walked into a grocery store, put 9 items in my cart, 6 of which were on sale, and had coupons for 8 items.  It was as if the all the planets had magically aligned and imbued me with a mystical power that transcended all other grocery experiences in my 38 years.

I was a grocery shopping goddess.

For close to eleven dollars I bought two pounds of bananas, two loaves of fancy bread without high fructose corn syrup, four boxes of General Mills cereal, and two gallons of milk.

The entire time I was in the check-out line I kept singing to myself, something that sounded a lot like this song.  But went something like this:

“You know that I know how….to buy so many groceries each week now.  This store can’t even handle me right now… cashier doesn’t ‘preciate my know-how.  The store can’t even handle me right now….the store can’t even handle me right now.  Yeaaaah  Yeaaaaah.  Put your checkbook up!  Put your checkbook up! Put your checkbook up!”

After listening to me sing this song for a few minutes, all three children threatened to run away from home if I continued.  My son (who tries to speak to other people in parsel-tongue) claimed that I was embarrassing him.  My daughter even informed me that I was “too old to try to sing cool.”

So.  I will never be a rapper.  But I would totally get a gold medal in the grocery shopping olympics.  So there.  In your face Kroger!  Peace out.


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4 Responses to Why I will never be a rapper.

  1. You rock! I love those kinds of days. If you want to coupon with it being as extreme as the TV show, get onto http://www.freebies2deals.com. Melea lives somewhere near me and has step by step instructions for each store. I did it for six months, until my carpal tunnel was too bad to cut coupons anymore. Hopefully soon I will be starting again. I did save a ton of money, particularly on toiletries, which are particularly expensive! I wish we could be neighbors. I seriously miss having a shopping buddy. *heavy sigh*

    Christy Barnson

  2. Candace says:

    I hope you know I WILL be waiting for a performance of this single this Sunday. Primary Room.

  3. Julie Wing says:

    I’d like to see this performance too! LOL! I may just join in 🙂

  4. Debbie says:

    I could totally picture you standing in line singing this!!! Totally made my day! Now, you should really consider making a music video! That would really embarrass the kiddos. ~ Debbie

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