Ever since my father passed away two weeks ago, I have pretty much been a mess. I may not look it on the outside. I laugh, I say funny things, I talk, I smile. If you passed me on the street you wouldn’t think I had a care in the world.
But on the inside, everything is snarled into knots. I can’t put a name to what I’m feeling: abandoned, alone, sad, numb, helpless. None of them quite come close to how I feel. In the past week we’ve eaten out four times, because I just can’t find the ambition to plan a dinner, much less prepare one. Clean laundry sits in the basket because I don’t have the energy to figure out where it goes.
I think things would have been quite desperate if it wasn’t for the incredible outpouring of love that I have felt from my family, friends, and all of you on the internet, every single day. You have made me dinner, cared for my family, and comforted me. Every hug, every hand squeeze, and every kind word has helped me hold myself together.
I have received cards from Nevada, Michigan, Ohio, Utah, and closer to home, all from people I love. I have received messages on the internet from perfect strangers who have shared their stories of loss with me. I have been prayed for by Catholics, Mormons, Methodists, and other Christian groups. My own children have gone out of their way to perform small acts of service towards me. The four year old, quite seriously, even offered to start the car for me one day. (I did decline that offer.)
So even though parts of me are broken and hurt, what I feel most of all is….loved. And all I can say is how blessed am I, to be surrounded by all of you.
Thank you. Thank you so very, very much.