So I got the results of the glorious twenty-four urine collection I had last week. (Yes, that sentence was dripping with sarcasm and derision.)
It turns out that after analyzing my pee (Aside here: who grows up wanting to work with pee? This is why I maintain that urologists are weird and always grouchy.) the good people at lab have determined that I have too much sodium in my body and it is causing the kidney stones.
Sodium, delicious, delicious sodium is the culprit to all my pain and suffering.
My husband is striving valiantly to suppress his urge to shout from the rooftops, “I told you so!” while I am doing everything in my power to not lay on my bed and cry buckets of tears.
It’s just so hard for me to contemplate a world without gratuitous use of the salt shaker whenever I want.
I’m in shock and dismay, gentle reader. I’ve always been a salty girl. While some people live for the ice cream, I lust after the chips. This is who I am. This is my identity. Or at least it was…
To give you a small glimpse of my suffering I’ve written a poem. As always, it is modeled after a book I love; in this case Good Night Moon.
Good-bye sodium….
Good-bye to all the processed foods I crave:
Good-bye Dorritos and Fritos and Lays,
Good-bye Chef Boyardee and ranch dressing.
Good-bye canned soups (this is getting depressing.)
Good-bye to the salt in a my little shaker,
Good-bye to instant oatmeal from Quaker.
Good-bye to popcorn as a daily snack.
Good-bye to those Little Debbie packs.
And good-bye to lots and lots of cheese,
Parmesan, Cheddar, Gouda and Brie.
Good-bye to my urologist’s glare
and the stern disapproval he blares
as he holds my renal ultrasound and stares.
Good-bye sodium, everywhere.
So if you happen to have any low-sodium recipes or tricks up your sleeve, gentle reader now is the time to share them. Send them my way, I’ll just be here staring forlornly at my blue container of Morton’s Salt with the cute little girl holding the umbrella on it.
Ami! I’m so sorry about your low-sodium diet! I too am a salty girl… prednisone helps this though… I think I could be content licking a salt block. You don’t have to give up all those things you love though! You can still eat them, but make sure to get the low sodium kind… or even make your own! I’ve been getting by with using lots and lots of other spices instead of salt. It’s truly like quitting a drug though, you have to ween yourself off of it
I have good news for you! There is something called “No Salt” in a white shaker bottle near the real salt. It is a salt substitute made of potassium, which is good for your body!!! And…it tastes like salt. So get on pinterest and find a the recipe for how to make your own cream of something soup. Sadly, you will still have to give up most everything processed; however, at the dinner table you will be able to “salt” your potato and your rice, etc. You can do this! Especially for the sake of not having those darn kidney stones.
What? No popcorn? You might as well change your name!
No, seriously, as obnoxious as food restrictions are, and we have so many at our house that we thoroughly understand, there is a silver lining: Homemade food tastes better! Yes, it takes more time. Yes, there will be times when you curse & wish for that easy frozen/canned/boxed meal. But after a while, you do lose your cravings for most (I can’t say all…I have to be honest) of those naughty “food-like substances” you used to eat. Your taste buds will change to notice minute amounts of (in my case) sugar, or in your case, salt. And you’ll get the same enjoyment from a little that you used to get from a lot. Until “eventually” comes, hang in there! You can do it! And it is so worth it to get your life back.
p.s. Loved the poem
I am now praying for quick taste-bud morphing. And I keep saying to myself, “At least it’s not gluten, at least it’s not gluten.”
Oh, how I wish I were an illustrator so I could illustrate this new, soon-to-be blockbuster hit read-aloud! Nicely done, my friend, nicely done.
Ditto to what Marie said. Think “Lifestyle Change” and it will all get easier with time. I also think you might benefit from printing out all of your posts where you let an expletive or two fly regarding the kidney stones. Post them around your kitchen cabinets. Read one every time you’re tempted. Remember the pain!
P.S. Sounds like NOW is the right time to start making your own cheese.
The same thought about cheeses has crossed my mind. Repeatedly.
I just observed a moment of silence for your loss.
I knew you’d understand.