I have been a mother for just over a decade. Ten long, crazy, and (for the most part) filthy years. During my time as a mother I have picked up some pretty amazing survival skills. Skills, that sadly, go unrecognized by the rest of the grown-up world.
Which is why I think there needs to be a Mothers’ Olympics. Picture it: a large group of saggy-boobed, stretch marked, sleep deprived women (or in the case of adoptive moms make that sleep deprived women with an empty bank account) coming together to demonstrate their considerable talents. It would be an opportunity to showcase to the public the valuable abilities one develops in an effort to maintain sanity when surrounded by small people everyday.
What sports would the Mothers’ Olympics contain? Let’s brainstorm.
1. The Condensed Bedtime Story event. The gold medal would go to the mother who could shorten her child’s bedtime story the most without the child noticing and throwing a fit. I’m an expert at editing Go Dog Go, which no doubt, is the longest children’s book known to man.
2. The One Armed Chef event. The contestants would need to carry a twenty pound sack of flour with one arm as they prepared a intricate dinner for four. Judging would be like the ice skating competition, you’d receive points for technical skills and for creative expression. If the sack of flour could somehow flail, arch its back, and cry simultaneously it would be even more realistic….
3- The Tooth Brushing Detective event. The mothers would be placed inside a large group of children who have been told to brush their teeth. The mother would need to locate the one child who is lying about having done this bedtime ritual. Speed and accuracy are the name of this game.
4- The Equal Portions event. Mothers would race against each other as they cut trays and trays of brownies into the same size pieces. The minute one child cries, “His is BIGGER than mine!” the contestant would be immediately disqualified.
5- The Arbiter of Justice event. In this category mothers would have to decide which of two children is giving an accurate description of who exactly woke up the baby and made her cry. They would then have to create a suitable consequence for the fibbing child that would a- be politically correct and b- ensure that the offending child never did it again.
6- The Create a Complete and Nutritious Meal with an Empty Fridge and Cupboards event. I imagine this would be a lot like watching MacGyver cook a dinner in an empty kitchen. Only with a squalling toddler in the background and lots of broken elbow macaroni on the floor to distract the contestants while they ran around the kitchen.
7- The Mother’s Obstacle Course. Here mothers would compete against each other to be the fastest person to make their way through a huge living room filled with scattered Legos, Polly Pocket parts, and toy cars. There may also be the occasional pile of cat vomit that would need to be avoided. The least physically damaged mother would bring home the gold.
8- The Mother Decathlon. Here the contestants would have to arrange a list of ten errands (such as returning library books, picking up dry cleaning, filling prescriptions, etc.) in an order that would be the most time efficient and waste the least amount of gas.
What other events do you think should be included in the Motherhood Olympic Games? Which would you win a gold medal in?