This week my father’s oncologist told us there was nothing more to be done. We are completely out of options and it is time for hospice. Hospice means the cancer has won and the end is here. Hospice changes everything.
I look at my sweet Daddy and I see him in pain. I see him fight for enough oxygen to breathe. He tries to smile and talk to us when we visit, but he searches for words that he can’t seem to find. I sit by him and I struggle for what I should say. I wonder what he needs to hear, now that we are at the end. So there are lots of silences filled with loving looks and squeezed hands and patted shoulders.
It is impossible to say who is comforting whom.
I’ve known this time was coming. I’ve known it for months. But now it’s here and I am devastated. And angry. I’m so very angry. I’ve never been so mad in my entire life. I want to scream and hit something and stomp my feet on the floor. I want to punch something until it hurts as much as I do right now. I want to shout at God, “Why?!? Why are you doing this to such a wonderful man? Hasn’t he suffered enough? Haven’t we suffered enough?”
All this anger scares me. Because it is not me, it is not who I truly am. In my head I know there is a merciful Father in Heaven who loves my Daddy more than I do. In my head I know that there is an eternal plan that transcends all this pain and ugliness. Yet, at the same time, my heart is so full of fury and bile. I bite my lip and I clench my fists and I try to push that rage some place far away from me but it is too heavy to move.
It doesn’t budge. And I think it’s going to crush me.
I don’t have words for you, Ami, but you have certainly been and will remain in my prayers. (((HUGS)))
I am so sorry. What can I do?
There is NOTHING wrong with being angry. Even Jesus got angry. Try and find a positive outlet to express your anger. You need to express it somehow, if not it will eat you away and I’m sure your dad wouldn’t want that. Wish I were there so you could talk to someone. Let me know if I can help! I’m praying for you.
I’m just a random reader you’ve never met, but I wanted to say you’ll be in my thoughts as well. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I love your blog btw, you’re a great writer.
I am an unknown fan of your blog and I have enjoyed reading it for a long time. I am so sorry for what you are feeling. My mom died 3 1/2 years ago from cancer and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. It is hard to watch them suffer. It is hard to lose your parent and to face your future without them in your life. I understand your heartache, anger and frustration. Hold him, touch him and love him right to the end, then remember him and keep your faith that you will see him again. I won’t say it will get easier, because you will always miss him, but you will find ways to get through it and to still make him a part of your life in someway until you can be together again. Thanks for sharing your feelings and experiences on your blog! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
I’m so sorry. I will keep you in my prayers for a very long time.
Hugs,
Christy Barnson
Ami,
I am sorry. Your feelings are so transparent, it was hard to read and my heart is just hurting right now for you. Prayers are coming your way. Hang in there.
((((HUGS))))
Want me to be mad with you?! although I’m better at crying I will come cry with you too if you want.
Oh Ami, my heart aches for you and your family, call if you need ANYTHING!
Hospice was the best thing that happened on the emotional rollercoaster that concluded my mother’s fight with lung cancer. The nurses, aids, and other staff members were the most wonderful people who helped us through a terrible time. While we have never met I read your blog regularly. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
We lost both grandmas and my nephew in a year. Two months later my husband lost his father. All except my nephew were lost to cancer.
But my daughter’s diagnosis with a debilitating disease, and my own diagnosis with a mental illness were the most devastating and happened right in the middle of it. Changed my whole life. Hang on, it isn’t you. It’s healthy to work your way through your anger and be honest about it. Don’t hold onto it. It’s just gonna slough off the more your cling to your faith.
xo
oh Ami I lost my father last November. hold on to each other, your family can get you through