This week I have a birthday.  <big pause>

I paused, not so angels could sing (although they probably did) but because I realized that turning 38 doesn’t feel much different than turning 37 last year. I’m not freaking out that I’m a year closer to the big 4-0 (I’m saving that for next year), I’m not making long lists of things I want (I pretty much have everything I need at the moment), and I’m not coercing my husband into taking me on a fancy-shmancy date (I’m feeling a little bloated this week which does not lend it self to fancy-shmancy outings of any kind.)

However, I do need to do something to commemorate the big day besides load the dishwasher and introduce my older children to the wonderful world of adverbs.  Hence, I have come up with the idea of a LIST.  A wise, mature, humorous LIST of the top 38 things I’ve learned in my 38 years.  Here it goes:

1. When you are a contestant on a reality show, NEVER declare yourself safe from that week’s elimination on camera.  Not only is it boastful, but it’s a first class ticket in getting yourself voted off the island/runway/house/ranch/program.
2. Think twice before you threaten to take something away from your children as a punishment.  You may end up just punishing yourself.
3.  Any movie that has the word ‘hellboy’ in it is probably NOT a good date movie.
4. Panty hose, in the summer, are not your friend.
5. Allowing non-washable markers in your house is the same as sending a written invitation for all small children to redecorate your home.
6.  Never say a bad word in front of your children, unless you want them to say that exact same word in front of your in-laws.
7. Don’t worry that people are noticing all your mistakes.  Odds are, they’re not noticing you at all.
8.  Two minutes after you’ve committed yourself to potty training a child, they will get diarrhea.  Because God wants to know if you are serious.
9.  Men will never notice when you get a haircut, so stop expecting them too.
10. Always repack the diaper bag as soon as you get home, because you will forget to do it before you go out the next time.
11. Plant lettuce and spinach seeds in the middle of March.  Plant tomato plants closer to Mother’s Day.
12.  A good bra can turn your whole day around.
13. When you wear perfume, wear enough so only your date can smell it, no one else.  (My eighth grade English teacher taught me this tidbit of knowledge.)
14.  Don’t self diagnose your medical symptoms based on an Oprah show.
15. Some days you just need to stay home in your pajamas and watch reruns.
16. If you want a three year old to do something tell them NOT to do it.
17.  The days are long, but the years are fast.
18. The minute you stop waiting for something, it will finally happen.  But never give that advice to someone who is waiting for something, because, seriously, who knows how to stop waiting for something?
19.  It is better to throw up something, rather than throw up nothing.
20. Eleanor Roosevelt was right, no one can put me down without my permission, but there are some people who are going to work like mad to get that permission.
21.  Little things make a big difference.
22.  My house does not need to be a clean as my mother thinks it should.
23.  Reading Stephen King books at night and alone is usually a bad idea.
24. If you act inept around a vacuum long enough, your husband will usually take over that chore, until he discovers you were faking, and then he will never vacuum again.  So think twice.  Or don’t get caught.
25. Prayer changes things.
26. Hard work will not kill me.  But it may hurt a lot.
27. It’s so much easier following the ‘high altitude directions’ on a box of brownies, than having to clean your oven.
28.  No good deed goes unpunished, but do the good deed anyway.
29. Don’t buy good carpet until the last child has mastered the art of running to the bathroom to throw up in the toilet.
30.  Vegetables from your garden taste better than store bought.
31. If you let your kids help make dinner, they are more inclined to eat it.
32.  Husbands are physically incapable of multi-tasking, even if you yell at them.  In fact, yelling at them usually makes them slower.  And if you learn this before your 7th year of marriage, then you are smarter than me.
33.  Don’t be afraid to apologize first.  Even to your children.
34. It’s best to love people in the way they want to be loved, and not in the way that you want to love them.  But it’s harder.
35. Ask for what you want, rather than secretly pout because no one has read your mind. (It only took 10 years of marriage to learn that gem.)
36.  If you’re going to go to the work of cutting out coupons, remember where you put them.
37.  When going to the ER in the middle of the night with a child, do all in your power to not act like a) a druggie and b) a child abuser, because at three in the morning you are definitely going to look like one.
38. Reading to your children is the best thing you can give them.

So, for my birthday, do you have any of your own words of wisdom for me?